A Sissy Post From A Sucker For 80's Happy Endings

Now, as Captain Eighties, I obviously have to be a lover as well as a fighter. It goes along with the territory. What good super hero wouldn't be part robo-cop and part lothario? So as to not disappoint, I wanted to let all of my readers know that I can be a big softie.

While I do prefer horror films, hair metal and nerdgasms to the fluffy stuff, I wanted to give a shout out to my top 4 favorite "love" scenes from the 80's. So here's some happy ending Hollywood for all of you Valentine's Day saps. 

 

4. Moonstruck - I am a sucker for Cher... and aparently a young Nick Cage.

3. Say Anything - If you want to win my heart... this is how you do it!

2.  The Princess Bride - "As You Wish"

1.  Can't Buy Me Love - Riding Off Into The Sunset On.... A Lawnmower.

Tribute To Elvira

I have been watching cheesy 80's horror flicks for the past few days now because I've mostly been in bed sick.... sad, I know. So, today, whilist I was up and about I decided to try out the "Elvira" look. Since I look absolutely NOTHING like Cassandra Peterson, we're calling it a "Tribute" to Elvira. 

So, here are the pick of the litter.. enjoy... or don't!

<3 Captain 80's

A Dream Warrior's Top 25

My personal favorite top 20 horror flicks (and I use the term "horror" loosely) from the 80's.... You will most likely disagree and that is more than okay. So, in no particular order....

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (...and anything Freddy related. Even Freddy vs. Ghostbusters.)
2. The Evil Dead 
3. Friday The 13th (...and obviously all that follow)
4. The Lost Boys
5. Saturday The 14th
6. Halloween II
7. The Fly
8. Silver Bullet
9. Night of The Creeps
10. Elvira's Movie Macabre
11. Swamp Thing
12. Poltergeist
13. Cujo
14. Jaws 3-D
15. Aliens
16. Children of The Corn
17. Pet Semetary
18. Puppet Master
19. Gremlins
20. Night of The Comet
21. Day of The Dead
22. Pumpkinhead
23. Rabid Grannies
24. Waxwork
25. Warlock
    

All time WORST 80's horror movie = Q: The Winged Serpent.

*Note to readers, this was supposed to be a top 10 list, but I was already at 13 by the time I got to 1984, and that was after getting rid of some real gems!

100 Worst Songs of The 80's Challenge: Poem 3

Now, let me preface this by saying, I do not completely agree with the list of 100 songs, but thought this could be a fun 80's activity just the same. So, here is #100 from the 100 Worst #1 Songs of The 80's. Also, I never promised that these would be good. I'm sure most will be humorous in nature.

Bad Medicine: A Re-Imagining


This sickness is burning--acidic deep in my digestive
system. I can feel it eat  away the lining of my
throat.  Slippery pain.


No medicine.  No tending. No nurturing mother's
touch, can stop this feeling from it's insidious
inside rampage.


Mommy warned me about girls like you. Said you'd
make me hurt, but those blue eyes and wide lips 
said differently.


I fell for the sway of your hips, the shape of your thighs
and the sweet narcotic-laced brain inside your
philosophically-minded head.


It hurt then, the bubbling bile inside of me. Nagging
my gall bladder for sweet relief, but I ignored
the intense sensation.


The pain grew worse with time, radiating down
into  the more intimate darkened corners of  the pit
of my belly.


And still, you deny me the only thing that will give
me relief.  Smiling with all of your saccharine and
promising me nothing.


I know there are others, that they love you. Adding
another cheap conquest to their sheets. But I need
you, love you. And. You deny me.
Everything.

If I Had Been An 80's Movie Ingenue ...

I feel like I'd be the hapless cross between Andie Walsh and Chris Parker with a little bit of a cynical and sassy Janine Melnitz edge. It's got to be a mix of whiny and bad-ass. However, that is not the purpose of  my little post.

I want to send some gratitude out to the "shoved-under-the-rug" 80's movie men. So, in the true spirit of 80's film appreciation, here is my life of the top 5 fictional 80's movie characters that I'd love to fall in love with.

• Phil "Duckie" Dale : Every time I watch "Pretty In Pink," which is coincidentally one of my favorite 80's moves, I get pissed off and want to punch Andie right in her face. Why? Why wouldn't you pick Duckie. He's adorable and lovable and off-beat and sheesh!
• Ronald Miller : Though, I prefer the pre and post "popular" version of the guy. I've always wanted to ride off into the sunset with a nerd on a lawnmower. Sigh.
• Andrew Morenski / Max Hauser:  I know, Jon Cryer overload, but he's just so damned cute. I wasn't a huge fan of the "Moranski" personality, but all of that Max Hauser business in the middle was gold.
• Lloyd Dobbler: Do I really need to say anything else? Nope.
• Mad Mardigan: I had to have a "bad boy" in the mix, and who could fill the roll better than a dirty young Val Kilmer. This was probably the first, last and only time I found him attractive. Woo.

100 Worst Songs of The 80's Challenge: Poem #2

Now, let me preface this by saying, I do not completely agree with the list of 100 songs, but thought this could be a fun 80's activity just the same. So, here is #100 from the 100 Worst #1 Songs of The 80's. Also, I never promised that these would be good. I'm sure most will be humorous in nature.


Private Eyes: A Re-Imagining (In the style of a haiku)


I stalk you always,
knowing that sometimes you lie;
my love is forever.

100 Worst Songs of The 80's Challenge: Poem #1

Now, let me preface this by saying, I do not completely agree with the list of 100 songs, but thought this could be a fun 80's activity just the same. So, here is #100 from the 100 Worst #1 Songs of The 80's. Also, I never promised that these would be good. I'm sure most will be humorous in nature.

Dirty Diana: A Re-Imagining

No Diana, Dirty.

Don't think you're going to con me into staying,

you promiscuous vixen, unless you sit on

my chest. Lucky for me, you cannot move very

quickly. It must be because you're a broken down

old whore. I know I've been here,

hell I've payed with 

cash dollars, food, my soul,

and I knew it somewhere, that you were a prostitute

but your womanly rolls had enticed me, as they

enticed all men who prefer cherub faced women,

but not this time.

I hate those eyes, all knowing, saying "whatever baby"

The subtle curve of the lip, ever so mischievous, you're 

probably thinking

I've got the goods. I know what he likes. He can't deny it.

While I started out indignant, the defeat is slowly

worming its way into my resolve. Breaking

me down. Breaking my

all too weak and slimy integrity.

Please leave me alone.

You're Dirty Diana, no.

The next time some high roller, some rock

star comes to town, I know you'll be slipping

behind stage doors and curtains,

sipping whiskeys and laughing with the over-priced

and egotistical. Looking for fortune or maybe

fame, but being let down each time.

You're good for one night baby, not an entire decade.

And, each time you're done. Each time they break

your spirits, send you home a little worse 

for wear, a little more used and broken down 

than before, you'll call me up because

you don't like to sleep alone. And,

each time I'll leave my wife just

to have you once more.

*I tried to stick with the message from the lyrics as much as possible here. This really is a TERRIBLE song. Just saying.